Put your phone away.

I have been struggling with this for a while now. I often feel like a Luddite, someone out of touch with the world when I say to my son, "Put your phone away. Be HERE. Have an actual experience, not a virtual one." But last night helped me clarify why I hate the phones so much and why I think they're destroying the experiences of kids and adults alike.

Last night we were at a bowling alley. We were there to bowl, and we were eating first. At the table there was a kids' end of the table and a grown-ups' side. And the three teenagers who had phones were all on their phones, kind of together, looking over each other's shoulders at something interesting that someone else had sent to them, or something funny on the internet, or something-- something other than the thing that they were actually doing.  This is the where the first prickly of annoyance came in. The second wave of annoyance was that younger son, who has no phone was completely left out of this experience, because the things that they were receiving and sending we not appropriate for him. So, he was left out, eating his burger, watching the TV and reading the advertisements on the wall. He's an easy kid, and didn't complain, but he was both physically and emotionally shut out of that part of the evening.

But then, there was a bigger catalyst for my dislike of the whole "phone as appendage" state of our lives. Son #1, who has been struggling with making friends at school, received a text at 9 PM, telling him to come to a party. He was invited to a party. Right then. And he wanted to go. He asked if he could go? And I said "No." And I was the Bad Mother. And the wheedling began: "Why can't I go? It's not too late. We'll be done here before 10:30. Why can't I go?" And, like parents everywhere who have not had time to crystalize their thoughts about a particular subject, but are instead going on their spidey sense, was reduced to saying some variation of "Because I said so." It wasn't exactly what I said, but it had the same ring to it. "Because we're doing THIS right now." ("Yeah, but this will be over soon and I really want to go.") And the reality is if you get sucked into the rabbit hole of what SEEMS like logic, then you are completely lost. So, we're left with "Just. No. You can't go do that tonight. If we had planned to go to a party, then that would be different, but we planned to do THIS. And we're doing THIS."

And in reality, that IS the crux of what's wrong with kids having cell phones with them all the time. they're never just doing THIS- they're always on the lookout for something better, something more compelling, more interesting. And what that leaves me, and everyone else with, is a feeling of "not good enough", not interesting enough, a second choice or worse, a last resort. And this is the problem with technology that surrounds us.  It's the feeling you get when you're at a party and in the middle of telling what you think is a funny story, and you see the listener's eyes drift past you to the door, where a really hot person has just walked in, sucking all the oxygen out of the room. You lose. You're judged, and found lacking.  That feeling sucks. And now, it's with these young people ALL THE TIME. There's constantly something more interesting,  or the thought that there might be something more interesting on a different website. And so they never really pay attention to the person right next to them, but interact with them by showing them what's more interesting than THEM, on this little screen.  It's hollow, and disappointing, and self perpetuating.

So, here's my proposal. I would like parents to confiscate the phones for an evening, when there is something actual going on, over the idea that something virtual is more interesting than what's happening right here, right now. Can they do it? Can WE do it? Be present in the moment? Have an actual experience, not a virtual experience?  Let's try it.